omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize