I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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