If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
