She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
