Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
