Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
