Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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