its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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