Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
