drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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