words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
