I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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