it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
