Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
