I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
