Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
