I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
