I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
