so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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