Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
