I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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