I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
