you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
