this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
