i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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