you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
