the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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