maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
