Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
