my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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