Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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