Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
