nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
