She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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