Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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