When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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