Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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