its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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