A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I need water and some morals
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
