Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
