Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
