if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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