Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
