i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
