This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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