Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
