Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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