You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
