the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
