Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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