I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
