Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
