So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
