I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
