As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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