she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
